My thoughts of no interest.

ericyumyum asked: nigga update your fuckin tumblr.

lol my life is of no interest, so i don’t update. i enjoy using it for getting my daily scoop of animals, news, & music (from you) though. (:

jon-quiqui-deactivated20110202- asked: hey, sorry that this is so late, but i just saw your reply now
thanks btw :) you're sweet

haha no problem. just promise me you’ll continue writing no matter what with no pointless hiatus to interfere with my daily jon-quiqui.

btw :) happy birthday.

Remember what you said?

“If you ever miss me, don’t ever hesitate to tell me. Don’t feel afraid to tell me how you feel. Ever.”

     I miss you now, but things just aren’t the same for me to tell you so.

     Maybe its from loneliness, but on the other hand I didn’t feel this way before I met you. Honestly, I question myself if I really do like you. And honestly again, I can’t seem to give a definite answer. I wouldn’t be bothered if I didn’t though right?

     I thought that I was handling this quite well, but its getting to me deeper and deeper every day. You probably didn’t know and didn’t think I would, but I had a complete breakdown not long after we hung up. Speechless and not able to register & integrate what had happened, I cried all the tears I thought I could. I couldn’t believe it just ended like that.

     When I woke up the next day, I surprisingly felt good. There was nothing left to worry about or fear for. That soon ended when I was leaving class. That involuntary urge to reach into my pocket for my phone to call you up reminded me that we weren’t together anymore. Being broken off the cycle of talking to you everyday threw me off. Night time rolled around and it just didn’t feel right when I went to sleep without talking to you again or at least hearing a good night. Tossing & turning yet again, I eventually fall asleep.

    The days go by and there’s so many times throughout the day, thoughts of you will pop up. Things remind me of you. Stuff that happens I want to share with you. And sometimes, randomly, reminiscents bring a smile to my face. Aside from smiles, the fact that I don’t have you around anymore is thrown in my face.

    Subconsciously, I’ve been convincing myself that its been okay. We didn’t get deep yet, so there was nothing lost right? True, but as confused as I was throughout when we were talking and even now, I know something great could have happened.

     I want to text you, I want to call you, & I want to talk to you… but at this point, I’m afraid to. Deep down, I hope that I’ll wake up to a text that says “I miss you.” Start things all over again… Odds are, that’s not going to be happening.

    I’m sorry for showing doubt when all this time you’ve done your all to assure me. With my lack of emotional availability, fears that still haunt me, this distance, and everything else going on, maybe its best what we did. No point crying over spilled milk.

    Who knows.. maybe one day when I’m in the area, I’ll get to bump into him.

—Good Night Tumblr.

Strange Familiarity

Its monday evening & i just finished my last class. I’m currently sitting at the campus library like a little nerd right now & it feels good! haha. such a dorkkk.

in a way, i’m still kind of un-fazed that i’m actually in school once again. i guess maybe cuz it happened so fast & so abruptly. it was only three days ago that i was accepted, & only hours ago—ten minutes before class—did i finish registering. talk about last minute huh?! lmao.

what a hectic day it was… being late on my first day of school—despite waking up at 5:30 in the morning—i tried to rush getting ready, so i ended up spraying cologne all up in my face & eyes, which burned like a mother heffer.  snuck inside a class, lying that i was already registered for it, spilled fruit punch all over myself, my white shoes & the floor in front of hundreds of people in the cafeteria whom were all possible classmates, rush back to work, rush back to school, registered for classes, found out there was a class i had to actually attend to that same hour, took a TWO HOUR pre-test, & now here i am. (:

i’m glad though, i’m finally putting my life back on track. it feels meaningful to be back in school.

even though i don’t have that many people whom are supportive of me at the moment including my parents or just don’t care, i’m gonna give myself a pat on the back because i deserve it. =]

k peace out, i’m so freaking tiredddddd & HUNGRY. dammit!

johnizeasy-deactivated20121012 asked: Marry you D: Offer me your dowry and I'll judge from that. Hehehehe.

LOL. i’m trying to be taken care of here, not be a sugar daddy. xD

back from tumblr vacation.

i know i know, its been a while again. i’m never good with keeping up with my blogging on here it seems. or keeping up with anything for that matter. i’m a failure. failure at this, failure at that, failure at life period. i’m probably the most negative, pessimistic, and self pitied person you’ll ever meet. i mean, just read my username. haha. double you tee eych.

i catch myself always asking, “what the hell are you doing tommy?”

i don’t know why the deuce i always feel like this. lonely. no direction. meaningless. pathetic. empty. alone. & so much more thats beyond words to explain.

don’t know where i’m going with this.. just venting.. this week i’ll be taking off. finally, for once, i won’t be slaving my ass off at nearly 70 hours a week and instead i’ll be able to give it a break and take a breather. i think… i’ve fallen many times throughout my life and somewhere down the line, i’ve actually broken myself in the process. so this week i’m going to be picking up the pieces and getting my shit together.

i’ve been so hurt and stressed from everything that’s been going on, i’m actually starting to feel numb now. and i think i’ve finally come to the realization that i’m getting tired of this and i’m going to change it. no more of this crap.

i don’t have everything mapped out yet, but i just know that i’m going to take on everything one by one and get the little things in my life resolved first. everything has just been so stressful and having this and that here and there hanging around isn’t helping much either. so one step at a time…

• try to finish enrolling into school, even though the deadline is over
• get my car fixed after a month now its been hit
• finally schedule an appointment with my surgeon/dr for a follow-up
• pay off every debt that is in or out of collections
• go visit my dermatologist again to get these freaking pimples off my face
• look, research, & review future apartments with the bff
• see the psychologist… & hopefully he’ll either figure me out or give me a bunch of happy pills
• laundry.. LOL.
• & just treat myself better.

its really time for a change.. everything is stressing me out, but I can’t let it just get to me or ignore it. my attitude use to be something like, it is what it is, deal with it. no more of that. given the situation of how things are, obviously my way of approaching things is not helping.

i’m really lost. i really am, i have no clue what i’m doing, what i’m striving for, or where i’m going. and… i have noone to hold my hand to walk me through this. i realize i’m not  a kid anymore so i just have to accept that sometimes you have to do what you have to do by yourself, which is what i’ll be doing. get a grip of myself and get my life together.

i can’t wait for everything that’s coming up i’ve planned for myself. starting school & moving out. it’ll be a nice change of scenery. and i hope that besides from scenery, everything else will change also. definitely can’t wait for california either.

i deserve better.

Dear Justin,

i miss you. i dearly & truly do. besides from that, i really don’t know where to start.. .

even though we only talked for so little… for me, these two weeks brought me close to feelings that i thought i could never feel again. probably from my pessimism, but i thought that i couldn’t ever find a guy so great. and even if i did, he wouldn’t ever belong to me. but when you came around, that changed. i started to think… finally… here’s the one i’ve been waiting for.

but heh, who am i kidding… i realize i do always get ahead of myself in my mind, skip reality & rush to wishful thinking. it has only been two weeks of us talking, how much could that really tell if you were for me, or even if i were for you. maybe this is the best route..